If you’re single and sober after a period of alcohol abuse, sober dating is not something you should rush into headlong.
For the 28.5 million people in the US with alcohol use disorder, the brain undergoes structural and functional changes. Just as active alcoholism can change the way you look at the world, so recovery and sober living can alter many things, from your habits to your worldview.
Addiction is a family disease, and it is highly likely that your alcohol abuse damaged any existing relationship, possibly beyond repair. In many cases, family therapy as part of a treatment program for alcohol use disorder can help you fix unraveled relationships.
If you were single going into rehab and are now thinking about sober dating, is it wise to dive in right away?
How Long Should You Be Sober Before Dating?
During the challenging early phase of recovery from alcoholism, your main priority should be to maintain your sobriety without relapsing. NIDA defines alcohol use disorder as a chronic and relapsing brain disorder. Most estimates suggest that between 40% and 60% of those in recovery from alcoholism will relapse at least once.
With that said, most experts suggest that anyone in recovery waits a year or so before making key decisions or starting a new relationship. This is generally how long it takes to prioritize sobriety, reestablish identity, and continue implementing healthy coping mechanisms rather than reaching for the bottle.
Regrettably, despite the sound reasoning for delaying the initiation of a new romantic relationship, early recovery can be a profoundly lonely time. With the euphoric effects of alcohol no longer providing a high, some people look to replace one addiction (alcoholism) with another (love). Whether grounded in a desire for euphoria or to stave off loneliness, prematurely joining the dating scene is fraught with dangers.
In addition to its many obvious benefits, starting a new relationship is also emotionally demanding and remarkably time-consuming. If you are not stable in your recovery – and you are unlikely to achieve stability in sobriety during the first few tumultuous months – then the time spent on this relationship is time you could be spending on self-care, managing cravings, and consolidating a healthier lifestyle. After a year or so, these aspects of your recovery should be running almost seamlessly in the background.
If you start dating before you are stable in your recovery, you might be attracted to a different type of person than if you had waited for a year or so. During the early stage of recovery, you are more likely to gravitate toward similar partners as when you were drinking. This can mean entering another abusive or co-dependent relationship for some people.
Sober dating prematurely can also be complicated if you are seeking the high delivered by a new relationship. Rather than focusing on yourself and strengthening your defenses against relapse, you could pour too much energy into a relationship you may not even have considered entering at all if you had waited.
Another reason underpinning the wisdom of waiting a while before sober dating is avoiding the anguish and relapse trigger of a relationship ending.
Assuming you hold off until you feel confident in your recovery – likely a year or so after completing a treatment program for alcohol use disorder – how should you kickstart your sober dating journey?
How to Date Sober
The most critical thing when sober dating is making certain you are confident in your sobriety, happy to be alcohol-free rather than mourning its perceived loss.
Beyond this, you should continue engaging with all therapy and medication, as well as attending any peer-support groups you find useful – AA or SMART Recovery, for instance.
As you feel more comfortable coping with life’s stressors, you will be much better placed to choose a suitable new partner rather than entering a relationship for all the wrong reasons, while at the same time potentially jeopardizing your recovery.
Before we explore some sober dating strategies, it’s vital to rethink dating if your idea of dating unfailingly involves a bar and plenty of alcoholic drinks. Fortunately, imagination is your only limitation here.
Sober Dates
It’s no secret that many people have a drink or two before a date to ease the social anxiety of meeting someone new.
Now you’re sober, you don’t have this option to fall back on, so why not rethink your idea of dating?
Rather than meeting in a bar or restaurant where the influence of alcohol is everywhere and inescapable, instead consider the following:
- Coffee shop
- Juice bar
- Theater
- Hiking
- Theme park
- Ballgame
- Rock climbing
- Horse riding
- Dance class
- Food festival
- Music festival
- Guided tour
These are just a few ideas to use as a starting point, but all the above options will help you get to know someone with all triggers for alcohol abuse removed from the equation. Why make things harder on yourself?
Sober Dating Advice
Finding a sober girlfriend or boyfriend might limit your options unnecessarily. Now, an alcoholic dating non alcoholic would obviously be a bad move. That said, there is nothing to stop you from dating someone who drinks alcohol in moderation.
To get the most out of sober dating assumes you have waited long enough to become stable in your sobriety. Despite suggestions of one year as the optimum period, everyone is different and all that counts is waiting until you are ready. When the time is right, bear these pointers in mind:
- Make sure you are upfront right from the start
- Communicate openly and honestly without oversharing
- Ensure you each take personal time out
- Set and maintain firm boundaries
Make sure you are upfront right from the start
Rather than entering a new relationship without introducing your sobriety into the conversation, nail your colors firmly to the mast right from the onset.
You have nothing to apologize for and nothing to be worried about. Most people will view your sobriety as nothing but a benefit, and anyone who feels otherwise would not make a suitable partner for you anyway – certainly not if you are committed to your recovery.
Communicate openly and honestly without oversharing
While it pays to be frank and open about your alcohol use disorder, there is no need to dominate the conversation with recovery-related topics.
To avoid any unnecessary complications, be honest about any difficulties you’re experiencing with your recovery. Rather than complaining, though, look to discuss your roadblocks and then overcome these obstacles with the benefit of your new partner’s insights.
Ensure you each take personal time out
Maybe your new partner does not display problematic drinking patterns, but they like to go out to a bar with friends once in a while. Encourage them to do so.
At the same time, you should continue to prioritize your recovery in all its forms. Take time out to focus on your needs, and be happy your partner is doing the same.
Set and maintain firm boundaries
Appropriate boundaries will vary from relationship to relationship. As an example, you may be comfortable with your new partner having a glass of wine with dinner but find yourself triggered and craving alcohol when they move into the living room and continue drinking the rest of the bottle. Establish clear boundaries and make sure you stick to these boundaries.
An inverse example of this could be your partner making it clear they are happy to speak about your recovery but do not want it to become the driving force of all interactions.
The more openly and honestly you communicate with your new partner, the more easily you can agree upon mutually acceptable boundaries.
Alcohol Free Dating
Finding a sober girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t that tough if you think creatively and pour yourself into something new.
As you proceed with your recovery and expand your sober network – peer-support groups are a great example – you will start feeling stable enough in your sobriety to reenter the dating game.
If you struggle to meet enough new people no matter how hard you try, have you considered taking your search for love online?
Sober Dating Sites
The lockdowns and social distancing measures of the past two years means online dating is more popular than ever before.
From dating apps for people in recovery to sober dating websites and mainstream dating websites, you’re spoiled for choice.
Whether you’re trying a new sober dating app or joining an established sober dating site like Single and Sober, online dating has many advantages for people in recovery.
Most people are justifiably cautious about meeting in person someone they met online. This means you are much more likely to spend more time talking before meeting face-to-face, allowing you the time and detachment to determine whether this is a meaningful connection worth pursuing.
Before you even get to this stage, the filters available on most online dating apps and websites allow you to weed out inadvisable matches more effectively, and select specific preferences on alcohol and drug use.
How about those who have not yet detoxed from alcohol?
Alcohol Addiction Treatment at The District
Maybe you are still drinking and ready to start the ongoing process of recovery. Perhaps you’re already looking forward to the excitement of sober dating, but you need to sober up first.
If you have severe alcohol use disorder, you would benefit from supervised detoxification in a medical detox center. With around-the-clock clinical care and medications streamlining the detox process, medical detox also minimizes the chance of complications related to delirium tremens.
Here at TDRC, we offer an array of gender-specific outpatient programs for alcohol use disorder, allowing you to focus on your recovery without distractions, and without the cost or the restrictions of residential rehab.
We offer more intensive outpatient treatment in the form of IOPs (intensive outpatient programs) and PHPs (partial hospitalization programs) for anyone requiring more support and structure than our OP (standard outpatient program) provides.
Through an evidence-based combination of MAT (medication-assisted treatment), talking therapies like CBT, and counseling, you’ll create a solid base for your sustained recovery.
When you complete your treatment, you’ll have a relapse prevention plan and aftercare in place, allowing you to build on your recovery to the point where you can also start sober dating. Make this happen by calling 844.287.8506 today.
